Tag: self-compassion

Mental Health, New Year, productivity, Wellbeing, writing

What are your goals/ intentions as we look forward to Spring?

Anita T Kelly

Did you set any New Year’s resolutions? Planning to become a “New You” in 2023? How’s that going?

I know in recent years I’ve become less focused on New Year’s resolutions and have instead written some intentions for what I’d like to achieve this year. Rather than putting myself under pressure to lose weight or cut out sugar completely (practically impossible for someone with a sweet tooth!) I’ve tried to come up with some more realistic, self-compassionate goals.

At the beginning of the year, I decided upon my work goals for the month. To be honest, I’ve already had to adapt these, but personally here are my goals:

  1. To pace myself more, listening to my body and allowing myself more time to rest as needed.
  2. Carry on with doing at least 1 mindful practice per day (usually after lunch). I’ve discovered the Balance app which is currently free for 1 year (in February 2023) which has a wide variety of meditations and plans including ones based on different emotions and for helping get to sleep. The free UCLA mindful app is also useful for its basic mindful meditations and weekly 30 min Hammer Museum podcast. I really enjoy their body scan for sleep when I need to switch off before starting the afternoon afresh.
  3. Going to the gym at least twice per week. I’ve built up to this gradually – starting once per week then up to twice a week or 2 later. I find this can really energise me and get those feel good endorphins going too. My aim is also to lose some weight.

SMART Goals

Some people find SMART goals helpful, keeping them focused on:

S- Specific

M- Measurable

A- achievable

R- realistic

T- timebound,

but I know this may not work for everyone and maybe too much pressure. An example of a smart goal would be:

I aim to lose 5 kg over three months by going to the gym and eating healthily.

Five kg over three months sounds realistic and achievable , is set over a specific time and can be measured.

The Challenges of Winter

The winter months can be difficult for a number of reasons:

  • Less sunlight can conversely affect our mood
  • With the shorter, colder winter days, it’s harder to get outside and motivation can be less. This may result in us exercising less. This can also make it harder to get out to see friends and family
  • When we feel down/ sad it may be harder to concentrate
  • There can be a sense of anticlimax after the new year.

How can we address these problems?

Thinking about what we like about winter may help: for example my preference is for a warm drink (hot chocolate) and snuggling under blankets with a hot water bottle and candles burning nearby and ideally a fire burning brightly in the hearth.

Looking out on a sunny morning with clear blue skies or a glittering frosty moment when the world can look so beautiful.

Having a conversation with a friend or loved one- reaching out when we’re feeling low or in need of a chat.

Breaking down our intentions into smaller steps

What are the individual steps needed to achieve our goal? We may need to write these down and have them somewhere where we can see them to remind us of what our goal is and how to get there:

Using the earlier example of losing 5 kg in three months

Step 1. Weighing myself to record where I’m at now

Step 2. Making a plan of when I intend to go to the gym each week

Step 3 Thinking about the healthy meals and snacks I can eat to help my weight loss and so on…

….and finally to celebrate when I achieve my goal.

It’s good to celebrate the small wins in between e.g. losing the first kg.

Celebrating Small Wins

What is a small win? I would describe it as when progressing towards our goals, it’s important to recognise any progress along the way, no matter how small – and celebrate it! For me, making sure I stick to my work timings, particularly at the end of the day, and not going beyond these has been a small win for me. Being boundaried with my time is a helpful strategy. I know that structure also helps me stick to my plan.

Have you set yourself any intentions since the New Year? How are you progressing? Do you need to change anything to make your goal more realistic/ achievable? Are there any challenges you need to overcome or problem-solve? What are your small wins so far? And have you celebrated them?

Pop your comments in the box below – I’d love to hear how you are getting on.

Advertisement
Christmas, Mental Health, New Year, Wellbeing

How to Handle feelings of Anti-climax after Christmas…

Anita T Kelly

Happy New Year! How did you find those odd days, suspended between Christmas and New Year? After a busy year, that seems so fast-paced in comparison to the last 2, nearly 3 years of Covid, Christmas arrived much sooner than expected in our household.

It’s been a blessing to finally celebrate Christmas without any Covid restrictions- but perhaps you too felt the expectations, demands even, of others, as to what Christmas arrangements would look like? We were able to have our usual turkey feast, with different family members cooking different parts of the meal and helping decorate the table but somehow it felt more of an effort, perhaps as we haven’t catered for so many for awhile.

The reality for me was real exhaustion before Christmas even started, and so trying to simplify food preparation and present buying was really important. As I read about preparing for Christmas in Rachael Newham’s book ‘And Yet’, I wanted to put Jesus’birth in the forefront of our celebrations. To keep that message of joy at the heart of our meal. However as we overran in our meal timings, the Bible verses announcing Jesus’ birth didn’t make it into the schedule. The best I had personally managed was listening to a Christmas Day Bible reading in the morning.

It can be easy to lose momentum in the anti-climax after Christmas and even into the New Year. The change in or lack of routine can cause confusion in managing the day. Having some simple structure, even waking up at the same time each day and going to bed at the same time each night helps maintain a good sleep pattern.

My quiet times in the mornings have remained a regular occurrence though, and it’s given me space to look back over the year and recognise where God’s been at work in my family’s lives and my own. There’s so much to be thankful for, despite the challenges of ill-health, near burnout and one son moving out to start his church internship. This process of reviewing the year (or past day) is known as Examen, devised by St Ignatius of Loyola. It involves recognising where God’s been working and thanking Him for it as well as the difficulties.

If you don’t have a faith, it’s still helpful to reflect back over the year that’s passed and recognise what you’re thankful for and where the challenges have been. Also, recognising what you want to leave behind in 2022 and what you’d like to do more of, are healthy behaviours to have. I know that I want to leave bitterness and resentment behind and move more into quickly forgiving and extending grace and love to all I meet.

Seeing this period as a time to rest and recuperate can keep our minds in a positive mindset and allow us to catch up on lost sleep. It’s so easy to get sucked into the busyness of seeing too many friends and family which may tire us out emotionally and physically. Or it may be the opposite, where we avoid socialising or feel isolated, in which case, reaching out to a trusted friend or calling a helpline such as the Samaritans (116 123 in the UK) may remind us that we’re not alone. Warm hubs are also available across the UK as places to visit to stay warm (if you can’t afford to put the heating on much) and meet others.

Then there are the temptations of rich or sugary food/ alcohol which can interfere with our mood, and even add to that sluggish feeling. Having a limit on how many treats we have a day (or none at all) may help. I try to remind myself of the sugar hangover I’ll get from consuming high levels of sugar. This can help me to resist sometimes.

And there’s the pressure to make New Year’s resolutions, that can do easily be abandoned within a few weeks…I prefer to do New Year’s intentions instead, which feel less forced than resolutions. If I don’t meet my weight loss goal in the next month then ok, how much closer am I to that goal? Having a bit more self-compassion and a little less stick of beating myself up if I fail.

So as we move into this new year, why not reflect back on 2022 and recognise what you’re thankful for? Then be honest with yourself about where the challenges have been. What do you want to carry forward from 2022 and what do you want to leave behind?

Mental Health, Wellbeing

How to Manage Anxiety Better Post-Lockdown

Anita T Kelly

Have you noticed that the pace of life seems to have sped up since the lifting of lockdown restrictions? Does it feel anxiety-provoking, adjusting to meeting up in person again after such a long break? Or have you chosen to ditch social distancing and mask wearing in public?

Credit: @katies.self.care.diaries from Instagram

What are anxiety and stress?

Anxiety is a stress response to a situation that can bring on flight/ fight or freeze reactions when our bodies sense a possible threat.  Hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline are released to help us respond quickly and put our nervous systems into a state of high alert.

Stress can be defined in numerous ways but the Mind UK website describes it as “being pushed beyond our usual emotional / physical capacity.” Small amounts of stress can be beneficial but if experienced over a longer period, known as chronic stress, can become difficult, such as we’ve experienced during Covid. It can lead to burnout if not addressed in the long term.

Socialising

After nearly a year and a half of lockdowns on and off here in the UK, restrictions have all but completely lifted here in England. For me, the start of lockdown easing initially filled me with dread. We’d become so used to staying at home in relative safety, wearing masks in public places and being restricted in the numbers of people we could legally mix with. Suddenly the public was back out in force on the streets and I couldn’t quite get my head around being out there again. I tend to process situations a bit slower so my brain takes a tad longer to adjust to changes. My flight response started to kick in when finding myself amongst crowds, and the beginnings of a panic attack, shallower breathing and high anxiety, would cause me to remove myself from the situation, hopefully before overwhelm reared it’s ugly head. I’d only go into the town centre when at its quietest, usually first thing in the morning as the shops opened & limit myself to buying priority things only.

Being out again socially has been more tiring, exhausting even, at times. The first bigger gathering I went to was an outside prayer event at church. I’d underestimated how much it would impact me! It’s important to give our minds time to accommodate being more social again and do so at a level that feels comfortable and achievable to us.

Risks from Covid

Perhaps for some of us the fear of catching Covid is still very real, especially if we’re clinically vulnerable and feel more at risk. Some friends have shared how uncomfortable they were to go to church when singing was allowed again which meant they were more likely to stay home and watch online, missing out on the face-to-face fellowship. Mindset plays a big part in how we see ourselves in relation to the world around us and it may be helpful to reassess our current circumstances as to the current risks.

I had to do this a few months back as Freedom Day, when everything fully opened up, crept closer and closer. My friend really helped me address what my fears were around going out and to reframe them to be more realistic, particularly:

  • Most of the population that’s been offered the vaccine have had at least 1 dose, increasing herd immunity for now.
  • The risk of being hospitalised with Covid decreases with having had the vaccine.
  • Covid is a disease that is here to stay. The risks are lower than when the virus was first recognised and continuing to apply good hand washing hygiene rules and mask wearing inside and in crowded places continue to be good preventative measures to catching the virus. See this BBC news article that discusses living with Covid after lockdown eases for further advice. I have heard some scientists say that it is the number of deaths that we should be more concerned about rather than the current number of cases as an indicator of COVID-19’s current status. This doesn’t deflect from those who are currently ill with Covid though.
  • accepting that there’s only so much of our environment that we can control. We can’t control whether people around us will still choose to be cautious and wear masks in public areas, especially indoors or on public transport. We can only be responsible for our own actions.
  • Not judging others for having different standards to our own particularly now that restrictions have almost ended. Some people have embraced all that freedom day has brought in England. However others of us are more cautious and are still limiting our behaviours, e.g. how far we may travel and avoid public transport as much as possible.

For some people, agoraphobia, the fear of people or going outside, has settled in, leaving them housebound or very anxious to go out. If you’re struggling to adjust to being around people again, a constructive way to do this is to gradually expose yourself to new situations over time. 

If it’s about getting out socially again you might want to start by:

  1. Just going to your front door and breathing in some fresh air.
  2. Try walking around the block near your house.
  3. Go to a busier place in terms of numbers of people, e.g. your local park at a quiet time.
  4. Try somewhere a bit busier like a shop. (Have an escape plan in place in case of overwhelm or the start of a panic attack).
  5. Then keep building up your exposure to larger groups of people until you feel confident again in crowds or socialising with a group of friends.

For me, I’ve used this technique to handle busier places, e.g. my local town centre.  After getting used to quiet times at the shops, I’m slowly building up my tolerance of crowds.  Spending time doing my work in a local café has helped, starting in a quiet period e.g. early morning but gradually getting used to busier times and making decisions as to what I can and can’t tolerate at the time. 

If you do find yourself getting panicky or needing to escape, be kind to yourself.  So maybe it didn’t work out as planned this time but you can try again.  Being self-compassionate and recognising your limits is also important and you’ll get there at your own pace.  As restrictions started to lift several months ago, I attempted to do several tasks whilst out at the shops.  I’d underestimated how long long the queues would be in one shop that had only opened the previous week, and then realised I wouldn’t have time to do all I’d planned.  Being kind to myself, I had to choose to miss an online activity after and leave some of the shops out to take the pressure off myself as I was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of tears.  By deciding on this more realistic schedule, I was able to just get the most important tasks done and escape the busy shopping centre, taking time to give myself some positive self-talk and let go even of the online Pilates which had been really important to me. Some deep breathing also calmed me down in the moment & talking to someone about what had happened when I returned home.

What is causing you anxiety post-lockdown? Can you need to break it down into smaller steps to gradually overcome that fear? The examples above may help guide you.

Needing further help and support? Get in touch with me to set up a 30 minute discovery call to discuss how I can help you put together your own anxiety toolkit to better manage your anxiety better long term.